I think the most powerful thing I have learned from my divorce is that nothing in life is a sure bet. There ins't anything you can assume about life, love or another person. I remember when my husband asked if we could go to therapy but I knew it was too late. I didn't lead him on. I didn't pretend there was something we could do. I also didn't assume I was the victim because I'd asked for therapy for the two years before I finally walked out. Today I got so angry at something posted on LinkedIn from a psychologist I work with, but I have to keep reminding myself that some people don't have insight. And I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm lucky enough to know that people aren't perfect. And some people are very close minded. I also recognize how my emotions are so very strong. They always have been. There isn't anything I can do with that. I can just enjoy the good moments, realize that they won't last forever. Recognize that its not that they can't last forever, its just that they won't. Lean into the discomfort of being mid 30's and single. And know that all in due time, something breathtaking and amazing is going to happen. Whether its me by myself or me with someone else. That's all I can do.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/in-marriage-he-refused-to-change-and-that-cost-him-everything-starting-with-trust-fray-jrmk/
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Monday, 15 August 2016
Good times. ❤️
I always document bad times and the negative feelings. But I want to document a good conversation. An easy conversation. ❤️❤️ reminds me of when we started dating. No strings. Just easy laughter. Good times. He said he'll listen to the podcast and we can talk about it. ❤️
I bet he brings up my teacher voice. I know it's an issue. Nathan hated it too. I think I'll have to bring it up in therapy.
Today I surround myself with acceptance.
I'm not sure how I feel about therapy today. It was insightful and baffling at the same time.
I walked away with the homework of listening to the podcast by Big Ideas "Is Love an Illusion?"
Today the psychologist asked me what I'm wanting to get out of therapy. What is my question to be answered. I told him that I wanted to walk away with insight on how I am in relationships. I want to understand how I interact with others. I want to grow and continue to evolve.
As I think about the root of this "goal" I realize that its mainly because I want to be someone's one. I recognize that life takes work. That we're all fucked up and we all need to be loved.
He asked me again, why is it that I'm fighting for this relationship. Again, I don't have an answer. I guess, at the end of the day, I'm going to accept whatever he decides to do.
Whatever move he makes, I will accept. If its to decide that we provide a safe, long term, secure relationship then I'll be happy. If its to move away and try again with someone else, then I'll be okay with that too.
I don't think I'm going to put a lot of weight into each option. I'm going to focus on ways to be me. I'm going to continue to understand who I am, and work on ways to make me healthy, and happy and just be.
If he wants to do this thing called life together, then so be it. If not, then so be it.
At the end of the day, I think I need to just focus on being happy. Not being with anyone, not trying to make someone else happy, not scold myself for the decisions I make.
Ps- I've listened to the podcast and I LOVE IT. #getsmethinking
Take away:
"Love is a classroom."
OMG- I've taken so many notes on this podcast. I absolutely 100% agree with him. "Love is to be learned. Two people have to get to teach each other."
"Its a skill. Love is an attempt to understand another person in its entirety and also in the way they've become damaged and damaging and to extend an extremely generous filter to do this. Its not easy to do. We need a generous dose of humor to do this." "Capability is the achievement of love. It shouldn't be taken as the starting point of love." "There are areas that we can't make perfect."
As I listened to the podcast, I feel like the psychologist recommended this podcast as I said exactly all of this in my session! #twinning #truestory
After I published this, I wanted to send the link to him. I wanted to start a conversation a discussion, whether we agreed or disagreed. The frustrating thing for me is that he would be able to discuss this with someone else, but he wouldn't be able to discuss it with me. I crave the ability to take something like this and just have an indepth conversation like I would one of my girlfriends. I crave being able to have an intellectual conversation about something. ANYTHING, but mostly about what I feel around this and what it would spark in him. But I don't think he'd want that, so I don't send it to him. I don't get excited and ask him his thoughts. I just sit with my own thoughts. Inspired by the podcast with the one person I want to share it with, off doing his own thing. </3
I walked away with the homework of listening to the podcast by Big Ideas "Is Love an Illusion?"
Alain de Botton has a new book out: The Course of Love.
Today the psychologist asked me what I'm wanting to get out of therapy. What is my question to be answered. I told him that I wanted to walk away with insight on how I am in relationships. I want to understand how I interact with others. I want to grow and continue to evolve.
As I think about the root of this "goal" I realize that its mainly because I want to be someone's one. I recognize that life takes work. That we're all fucked up and we all need to be loved.
He asked me again, why is it that I'm fighting for this relationship. Again, I don't have an answer. I guess, at the end of the day, I'm going to accept whatever he decides to do.
Whatever move he makes, I will accept. If its to decide that we provide a safe, long term, secure relationship then I'll be happy. If its to move away and try again with someone else, then I'll be okay with that too.
I don't think I'm going to put a lot of weight into each option. I'm going to focus on ways to be me. I'm going to continue to understand who I am, and work on ways to make me healthy, and happy and just be.
If he wants to do this thing called life together, then so be it. If not, then so be it.
At the end of the day, I think I need to just focus on being happy. Not being with anyone, not trying to make someone else happy, not scold myself for the decisions I make.
Ps- I've listened to the podcast and I LOVE IT. #getsmethinking
Take away:
"Love is a classroom."
OMG- I've taken so many notes on this podcast. I absolutely 100% agree with him. "Love is to be learned. Two people have to get to teach each other."
"Its a skill. Love is an attempt to understand another person in its entirety and also in the way they've become damaged and damaging and to extend an extremely generous filter to do this. Its not easy to do. We need a generous dose of humor to do this." "Capability is the achievement of love. It shouldn't be taken as the starting point of love." "There are areas that we can't make perfect."
As I listened to the podcast, I feel like the psychologist recommended this podcast as I said exactly all of this in my session! #twinning #truestory
After I published this, I wanted to send the link to him. I wanted to start a conversation a discussion, whether we agreed or disagreed. The frustrating thing for me is that he would be able to discuss this with someone else, but he wouldn't be able to discuss it with me. I crave the ability to take something like this and just have an indepth conversation like I would one of my girlfriends. I crave being able to have an intellectual conversation about something. ANYTHING, but mostly about what I feel around this and what it would spark in him. But I don't think he'd want that, so I don't send it to him. I don't get excited and ask him his thoughts. I just sit with my own thoughts. Inspired by the podcast with the one person I want to share it with, off doing his own thing. </3
Saturday, 13 August 2016
One of my best memories
Is before we had started dating I had spent the day hiking. I was to have gone to hang out with him that night, but I was too tired. I sent him a message to tell him I wasn't coming. He asked again, please come out. But I just couldn't I was too tired.
He called me a little while after and he said, I'm coming over. I'm taking a cab and I'll be there shortly.
I was overwhelmingly pleased. I never told him that. But I loved that moment when he unselfishly chose me.
He called me a little while after and he said, I'm coming over. I'm taking a cab and I'll be there shortly.
I was overwhelmingly pleased. I never told him that. But I loved that moment when he unselfishly chose me.
The old us.
He said we didn't work. But there was a time when we did. When he gave himself to me. And I blew it. My fear to commit to him and my inability to see he loved me. I should have trusted sooner.
Moving here didn't help. I hated being away from friends and I hated the cold and worst - I hated my job.
I would do anything to have him give us another chance. The old us. But with the new me. And the old him.
I guess we will never have that chance.
So, I danced alone with our death.
Before you read this and think it’s for you, I’m so sorry it is not yours.
It was written for me.
Every letter, each word that you see here is mine.
The tears that smeared ink and fell hard on the keys of this typewriter are not yours to touch. They fell solely for me. The last drop that fell from my cheek has now dried. The cleansing is done.
My memories are cast and the wind has taken the thoughts that compulsively span around my mind.
My eyes no longer seek to catch sight of a love we once shared.
Finally. Thank f*cking God.
Thank the storms, the rain and the wind that have spun and dazed me for days. Thank the rivers that my tears bled into and thank the nights that became my days.
Thank the hours that I trembled, thank the cold hard floors that held my bones and thank the aches and breaks that tore at my shell when you left me empty and raw. Thank loneliness.
Thank you.
I experienced it all.
I learned to feel love. I learned to feel numb. And I stumbled and crumbled and fell into the vortex.
I trembled with every extreme.
It was brutal and chaotically ravaged my soul.
I lived under your spell.
It drowned out all noise.
I was enchanted.
Spinning, free-falling and dazed.
It dealt vicious blows and brought me down onto my knees.
I cried out your name. I screamed so loud but no sound came out.
No one heard and no one came to the rescue.
So, I danced alone with our death.
I stepped in time with a shadow. Of a love I once knew.
I didn’t know what was there at the end of our line. I was terrified to let go of the comfort that holding our memories gave.
Then it hit me harder. The loss. Not just the loss of you, the loss of us, of what we could have been. And of all the “if only” thoughts that tangle and then knot my mind.
I had to stand up and open my eyes.
I’ve carried this weight. I’ve taken you with me, all because I couldn’t let go. I wouldn’t.
I risked all for this love. I let you in. I sealed all the edges. I locked you in tight.
Now I’m letting it out. I’m letting you go.
I clung to the glimpse of perfection I thought I once saw.
But, now it’s gone. Like stardust… it burned out.
Time heals. It soothes old wounds and patches up scars.
Time teaches there’s no need to hold. Holding is heavy. Holding is agony. Holding prolongs all the pain.
Time wears tints, beautiful spectacles that glance down cobblestoned lanes. Time doesn’t see truth. Time forgets. Time remembers the things I’d rather forget.
Time is messy and always gets confused.
But, time clears. Eventually.
The darkest hour is always before the dawn.
Loss drives us to hell and leaves us there.
But we can return. Whenever we choose.
And so now…
I’ve returned. I’m back on the rolling road.
Thank f*ck. I’ve suffered enough. Though my injuries were self-inflicted.
I shouldn’t have held for so long.
But now, I’m empty of you. Our bridge is burned. I’ve rose from the ashes.
I have cut you loose and I’ve finally let all of you go.
Every storm has a silver lining.
I lost you.
Then finally found me.
But I find it hard, in this moment, to want to be over what we could have had. The dreams and things I wanted. I can't even honestly say I know he felt the same.
My own desires
I keep looking at my phone. Waiting. I keep thinking this is the moment. Today is the day, I wake up hoping.
He's going to say today is the day. I can't live without you. You make my life complete.
But I know. Sadly, this isn't going to happen. For so many reasons.
I have to slowly give up. I need to squash hope. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Come out
I loved this podcast on shame. <3
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/just-came-im-not-gay-audio-mjr/
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/just-came-im-not-gay-audio-mjr/
Friday, 12 August 2016
Not so hot
I want to call him this morning. I know I shouldn't. I've pulled his number up and almost hit send.
I'm sure he's out on his bike or doing something. I know I shouldn't call him.
I have realised this morning that in my memories he is going to start showing up. Any day now was the first time we met. Four years.
I cry. For what was and was won't be.
I want you to stay.
Tears are so salty.
I want you to stay.
The reason I hold on.
Cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one, but I'm the one who needed saving.
My heart breaks
Today has to be the day. A day I would never had been able to prepare myself for.
I have to let go. I have to love myself more. I have to love me. I can't keep hoping he'll choose me. I can't force him to let me in. I can't keep jumping up and down begging for his attention.
If he wanted to be near me - he would. But he didn't. I told him it was a possibility. He didn't do anything to change it. He had a chance. Inaction is action. Full stop.
Now I'm left to fix the broken heart he's left me with.
Day one of my future.
Oh and another thing I wish I could say to you.
There is always so much more I want to say to him.
Like my heart fluttered when he sent me a kiss on Monday. And Wed when he sent me a picture of 11:11. I see the little things. I love the little things.
I never took them for granted. I didn't. I could see the gestures. I saw them. Okay. I loved them. They made me smile. They made me happy. They helped me love you oh so much more.
That's why this is hard. And that's why this hurts. Oh so much I'm hurting.
Friday, 5 August 2016
I'm a prude (31st July 2016)
One degree of separation.
It's too funny. Last night we went to a 70th and we both found people we knew. It's a true adage when they say you never know who someone is.
I had actually met the birthday boy's daughter the Future of Work conference a few months back. Then LEA saw a woman he knows from work. During that conversation, I realized I knew her daughter!
I can't believe how small Australia is.
Even to the point, where KB lives on Heath Ledger's dad's street. Like at anytime, Michelle Williams could be visiting and I could run into her..... #californiadreaming
All of that aside LEA and I had a wonderful night. Our connection was strong. From his smile to his easy laugh. I felt like "today." He easily wrapped his arms around me and would rest his hand on my butt. It was so much like when we first started dating. It makes me ache oh so much for what I know is possible for us.
I have such a hard time understanding if I'm attached to him or if its love. I guess that's the role of the psychologist to help me discover. i want it to be love. I want both of us to love each other.
Last night he said wanted to cuddle. Snuggle and make love. he didn't want it to fall asleep. he wanted to appreciate the moment in what we were doing there under the blankets. I told him its the way it should be, he should come to me to see if I can fulfill his needs, before he retreats into his darkness. He should use me as energy to refill. I know he misses me and mostly, I know he loves me. I know this. He just has to come out of his shell. I just hope he does it before its too late.
Hey Tash, I came across this.....
Mixed orientation love: women in relationships with bisexual men
hey tash, I came across this and thought it might be relevant to your interests
This. I don't get to see too many things out there that are in support of woman who are attempting relationships with bisexual men. I like knowing that there are men out there who are vulnerable enough to love someone enough to let them in. I love knowing that there are people out there who make love work.
Talking to my therapist last time, I said, I need help. Because if Tim said lets do therapy, I want this to work. I would. My therapists said, why? Why would you put yourself out there for something that is such hard work??
I'm unsure if his astonishment was about the fact he knows the exact situation that made me walk out the door, or if it he just thought I'm an idiot. Maybe a bit of both. But I don't think I'll ever forget the registered surprise on his face.
But do you know why? I know its hard to be him. I do. I know how he struggles and I know he is a good guy. I know he loves me.
But I can't do it myself. I realise this. I know this. I do.
Fake it until I make it.
Love vs. Attachment - 2nd Aug 2016
This is what we spoke about in therapy today. He laughed and said, How much time do we have. I said, "50 min!!"
Its very clear that whilst I love Tim, I have a level of attachment to him. (Duh says anyone with any psychology degree) Not that this hasn't been widely acknowledged myself during the course of our relationship, its just been harder to actually detach from that attachment.
I try. I really do. Its just very very hard. When you still love someone and you know they love you as well, its not easy to just pull away.
I keep thinking today is the day. Its a Tuesday and he's going to send me an email saying he's slept with a guy.
The more I understand him, the more i feel confident that he isn't bisexual, but rather has a fetish.
I feel some comfort in that. That understanding doesn't help me much if I'm going to be honest.
Makes me feel bad for him. That he's stuck in this compulsion this obsession. But if he doesn't want to understand himself- then why should I want that for him?
Well more so i can want that for him, but not try and force him to want it.
Today has been tough with work and therapy, but a day full of insight and self-compassion. I'll chock it up to a win. <3
Its very clear that whilst I love Tim, I have a level of attachment to him. (Duh says anyone with any psychology degree) Not that this hasn't been widely acknowledged myself during the course of our relationship, its just been harder to actually detach from that attachment.
I try. I really do. Its just very very hard. When you still love someone and you know they love you as well, its not easy to just pull away.
I keep thinking today is the day. Its a Tuesday and he's going to send me an email saying he's slept with a guy.
The more I understand him, the more i feel confident that he isn't bisexual, but rather has a fetish.
I feel some comfort in that. That understanding doesn't help me much if I'm going to be honest.
Makes me feel bad for him. That he's stuck in this compulsion this obsession. But if he doesn't want to understand himself- then why should I want that for him?
Well more so i can want that for him, but not try and force him to want it.
Today has been tough with work and therapy, but a day full of insight and self-compassion. I'll chock it up to a win. <3
27 July 2016
I absolutely hate the phrase, "you deserve better." Why does anyone think someone deserves something? But lets put that aside. When that statement is said, it indicates that one is better than the other. The other person is deliberately withholding the specific needs of the other. That isn't always the case.
Everyone deserves love - regardless of their flaws.
What should be said is to love yourself more. Not more as in more than something, but more than you already do.
Be comfortable in who you are and what you have to offer. Love yourself to be happy. More than 60% of the time. Aim for 85%
Everyone deserves love - regardless of their flaws.
What should be said is to love yourself more. Not more as in more than something, but more than you already do.
Be comfortable in who you are and what you have to offer. Love yourself to be happy. More than 60% of the time. Aim for 85%
26 July 2016
"Gather yourself." I repeat this over and over. But I can't stop weeping. I sit by a small light in this new apartment, my bed is warm, but like my facade during the day, this is a lie. The warmth isn't from him, but instead a heated blanket.
"Love without tragedy" booms through the bose speakers.
"even forever ain't forever" aren't just the words my ears hear, but words my heart feels.
I've promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I did well. It's 8:15pm and it wasn't until I read an article on Elephant Journal did the dams burst.
I keep telling people that we ended it because it had run it's course. I say, It just wasn't mean to be. He wasn't my one.
But like she wrote, I wasn't chosen. Words were spoken, but actions screamed a different story.
Men in dark bars, or dodgy alley ways are preference to the life we dreamt about. Glory holes and orgy sex parties with strangers. Men who will only fuck you once, and never see again. The rush of a stranger rather then the love of a familiar. The fact I lose out to someone who will never have a face, who will never ever know his name.
I promised myself I'd focus on me. Not the promises we made, the dreams that have been pushed aside, the future that won't ever happen.
I promised myself, so now I'll go and do that.
I won't be upset I broke my promise to myself. I'll accept my feelings of loss. I'll lean into the pain and then, I'll move into my next moment.
Just like calisthenics - its not that you can do the move -its that you can control it. It isn't easy. you have to really commit and have to have control.
Practice makes perfect.
"Love without tragedy" booms through the bose speakers.
"even forever ain't forever" aren't just the words my ears hear, but words my heart feels.
I've promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I did well. It's 8:15pm and it wasn't until I read an article on Elephant Journal did the dams burst.
I keep telling people that we ended it because it had run it's course. I say, It just wasn't mean to be. He wasn't my one.
But like she wrote, I wasn't chosen. Words were spoken, but actions screamed a different story.
Men in dark bars, or dodgy alley ways are preference to the life we dreamt about. Glory holes and orgy sex parties with strangers. Men who will only fuck you once, and never see again. The rush of a stranger rather then the love of a familiar. The fact I lose out to someone who will never have a face, who will never ever know his name.
I promised myself I'd focus on me. Not the promises we made, the dreams that have been pushed aside, the future that won't ever happen.
I promised myself, so now I'll go and do that.
I won't be upset I broke my promise to myself. I'll accept my feelings of loss. I'll lean into the pain and then, I'll move into my next moment.
Just like calisthenics - its not that you can do the move -its that you can control it. It isn't easy. you have to really commit and have to have control.
Practice makes perfect.
11 July 2016
I don't feel desperate to find a new partner. I do know that I'll find someone new - but I don't want to have to. I'm keen to keep this relationship, but improve it.
I'm desperate to explore why and understand how he ticks, but I need to accept I will never know.
My name is Natasha and I've just turned 33. I'm recently single and I don't want to be.
I don't want to be with just anyone, I want to be with my one. At the end of the day though, I can really just hang out with anyone.
I'm not new to blogging, but this blog is new. I'm excited to be writing again, But I hate that I need this outlet again. I do understand that some of the issues I have to sit with is the fact he says he wanted to be with me, yet we don't do anything. He states we're both lazy and when I've suggested we do things, his zero interest in doing anything with me at all.
It doesn't match up and it bugs me. Bothers me to no end, but no point in raising it I guess.
I have a very real understanding how alone I'm going to be once I move out of this apartment. Its scary. When I think about it. I'm devastated. I feel overwhelmed with the idea of being alone.
Lean into the discomfort.
I'm desperate to explore why and understand how he ticks, but I need to accept I will never know.
My name is Natasha and I've just turned 33. I'm recently single and I don't want to be.
I don't want to be with just anyone, I want to be with my one. At the end of the day though, I can really just hang out with anyone.
I'm not new to blogging, but this blog is new. I'm excited to be writing again, But I hate that I need this outlet again. I do understand that some of the issues I have to sit with is the fact he says he wanted to be with me, yet we don't do anything. He states we're both lazy and when I've suggested we do things, his zero interest in doing anything with me at all.
It doesn't match up and it bugs me. Bothers me to no end, but no point in raising it I guess.
I have a very real understanding how alone I'm going to be once I move out of this apartment. Its scary. When I think about it. I'm devastated. I feel overwhelmed with the idea of being alone.
Lean into the discomfort.
First day into therapy - Rambling thoughts
Radical Acceptance
Destruction vs. construction
Listen to the other person.
What is their perspective?
Ask the right questions to get the right answers.
Lean into the discomfort.
sit in it
no need to analyse
understand how you feel....accept it
its okay to feel how you're feeling
#powerful
Destruction vs. construction
Listen to the other person.
What is their perspective?
Ask the right questions to get the right answers.
Lean into the discomfort.
sit in it
no need to analyse
understand how you feel....accept it
its okay to feel how you're feeling
#powerful
June 2016
I keep saying I regret the relationship, but I know I don't. What I regret is the hurt and the pain. I regret that I wasn't enough. I regret that I was too much.
I regret the hurt. The pain.
I regret its been a shitty three years.
I regret that I wasn't enough. That I couldn't help him from his shell that I cray about this. That I just can't let go.
I regret that he couldn't care about me. That he can't show me that he loves me. I regret that I let him treat me the way he has. Like its okay to act how he is or that his gross disregard from my feelings is acceptable.
Have I made his future worse? Will he treat his next girlfriend the same way or maybe he'll actually love her enough to invite her in.
I hate feeling so hurt.
I hate crying. I hate having a broken heart. I hate being the one who left.
All of my fears of abandonment are solidified in his actions or lack thereof.
He'd rather be any place other then near me and I get it.
We're broken and I can't ignore what I feel and just pretend we're okay. So every day the divide is greater and greater. I don't move out because I hope it changes. I pray that one day he sees what our actions are doing to us- but he doesn't care enough.
I long for the day that I don't hurt so much. For the day he's happy and we have both moved on.
I hope everyday that we get through this. That something happens and we both wake up out of this nightmare and realize that life is too short to play these stupid games.
To let each other hurt the way we do.
So why don't I go to him? Because I always come back.
"Why do you let me stay here?"
"because you won't go away."
He tells me he wants me here but I don't believe him. He doesn't show me. I look for the little things but honestly, making dinner and hanging out laundry is hardly enough. Relationships need more than that.
They're about the tough parts in life. I keep thinking he's so worried about when he gets sick. But what would happen if it were me who got sick? What would happen to me?
I just imagine myself stuck in a hospital bed with no close friends and no family around. TIm would visit once a week for an hour with tea, but h'ed go about his life as though nothing had changed. He'd go to work and would do his game nights and gym and just completely ignore the fact I were sick.
What kind of life is that for me?
I keep telling myself I deserve love and blah blah blah.
Then I tell myself so does tim and I give that to him.
So what's missing? Why doesn't it work?
Why can't this be reasoned? Why can't I figure this problem out?
I'm so lonely when I'm next to him. I want to save him from his hurt and loneliness.
I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
I regret the hurt. The pain.
I regret its been a shitty three years.
I regret that I wasn't enough. That I couldn't help him from his shell that I cray about this. That I just can't let go.
I regret that he couldn't care about me. That he can't show me that he loves me. I regret that I let him treat me the way he has. Like its okay to act how he is or that his gross disregard from my feelings is acceptable.
Have I made his future worse? Will he treat his next girlfriend the same way or maybe he'll actually love her enough to invite her in.
I hate feeling so hurt.
I hate crying. I hate having a broken heart. I hate being the one who left.
All of my fears of abandonment are solidified in his actions or lack thereof.
He'd rather be any place other then near me and I get it.
We're broken and I can't ignore what I feel and just pretend we're okay. So every day the divide is greater and greater. I don't move out because I hope it changes. I pray that one day he sees what our actions are doing to us- but he doesn't care enough.
I long for the day that I don't hurt so much. For the day he's happy and we have both moved on.
I hope everyday that we get through this. That something happens and we both wake up out of this nightmare and realize that life is too short to play these stupid games.
To let each other hurt the way we do.
So why don't I go to him? Because I always come back.
"Why do you let me stay here?"
"because you won't go away."
He tells me he wants me here but I don't believe him. He doesn't show me. I look for the little things but honestly, making dinner and hanging out laundry is hardly enough. Relationships need more than that.
They're about the tough parts in life. I keep thinking he's so worried about when he gets sick. But what would happen if it were me who got sick? What would happen to me?
I just imagine myself stuck in a hospital bed with no close friends and no family around. TIm would visit once a week for an hour with tea, but h'ed go about his life as though nothing had changed. He'd go to work and would do his game nights and gym and just completely ignore the fact I were sick.
What kind of life is that for me?
I keep telling myself I deserve love and blah blah blah.
Then I tell myself so does tim and I give that to him.
So what's missing? Why doesn't it work?
Why can't this be reasoned? Why can't I figure this problem out?
I'm so lonely when I'm next to him. I want to save him from his hurt and loneliness.
I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Learning to Lead - May 2016
Taking a deep breath, I lean in and move my right leg up. I clear my mind and remember all of the instructions,
"This is only for you."
"Always use one hand."
"It's more like a walk in the park instead of a sprint to the finish."
"Enjoy the journey."
"Always double check your work."
Moving from side to side, one hand hanging on for dear life, as I progress I feel the panic rise to my head. It started in my belly but I was able to control it. When it moved to my heart, I tried to ignore it. When my body started to shake, my palms all sweaty, I pushed through it. By the time it reached my head, I couldn't control it.
"What do you need to do?" He asked
"Keep going," I said, "but I can't. I'm paralyzed in fear."
"Stop thinking about the fear, where is in coming from? It's coming from the fear of the unknown, so eliminate the unknown. Now, what do you need to do?"
"I need to find a place for my foot."
"Good. Now do it."
The most breathtaking aspect is that you have a completely blank canvas. Even though thousands of other people have been here before, you would never know. To say the wall is your oyster wouldn't be far fetched. The gear is your paint brush and the top is your pearl.
Its you and the wall, not you against the wall.
"I made it, but for that moment, I thought I wasn't going to. The fear of the unknown really fucks with you, you know?"
No, I don't. It's been such a long time since I've pushed my comfort zones. I don't remember what that feels like anymore. I'm jealous."
That is why we do it. To never feel complacent. To never allow ourselves that stale life that others live.
We're adventurers, lovers of being the designer of own future.
Whether you are safe on top rope, sprint with sport, or walk with trad, you're the one who gets to say, "today, I will find that space of discomfort and lean into it."
"This is only for you."
"Always use one hand."
"It's more like a walk in the park instead of a sprint to the finish."
"Enjoy the journey."
"Always double check your work."
Moving from side to side, one hand hanging on for dear life, as I progress I feel the panic rise to my head. It started in my belly but I was able to control it. When it moved to my heart, I tried to ignore it. When my body started to shake, my palms all sweaty, I pushed through it. By the time it reached my head, I couldn't control it.
"What do you need to do?" He asked
"Keep going," I said, "but I can't. I'm paralyzed in fear."
"Stop thinking about the fear, where is in coming from? It's coming from the fear of the unknown, so eliminate the unknown. Now, what do you need to do?"
"I need to find a place for my foot."
"Good. Now do it."
The most breathtaking aspect is that you have a completely blank canvas. Even though thousands of other people have been here before, you would never know. To say the wall is your oyster wouldn't be far fetched. The gear is your paint brush and the top is your pearl.
Its you and the wall, not you against the wall.
"I made it, but for that moment, I thought I wasn't going to. The fear of the unknown really fucks with you, you know?"
No, I don't. It's been such a long time since I've pushed my comfort zones. I don't remember what that feels like anymore. I'm jealous."
That is why we do it. To never feel complacent. To never allow ourselves that stale life that others live.
We're adventurers, lovers of being the designer of own future.
Whether you are safe on top rope, sprint with sport, or walk with trad, you're the one who gets to say, "today, I will find that space of discomfort and lean into it."
The Prestige
22nd April 2016
It has been a long time since I've put pen to paper. I have long loved the smooth feeling of a pen gliding across the lines of paper.
I vowed long ago not to lose my awe of flying and I think I can honestly say, five years into that vow, that I haven't lost it. The calm realm of the flight puts me into enough ease that I have space to think and be creative. I sincerely wanted to document my experience from yesterday.
After finishing the Future of Work Conference the music played and the dancing began. I tried my hand at picking up a beautifully tall blonde haired, blue eyed German. And while he said he had a girlfriend, i was quite pleased when he came by to ask if I'd be attending the networking drinks after the event.
He asked mid dance move, so I continued dancing and said absolutely. Needless to say, I went to drinks but he was busy. I didn't want to disturb him so I hung out with a few other gems I met and to my delight, he found me in the crowd and struck up a conversation. My only regret is not spending more time with him, but I'm pleased with the moment we had.
See, the fact is, he wanted to spend that moment with me. However, short or fleeting - he wanted that moment. There are so many times when I feel as though Tim isn't there. Like he'd rather be anyplace other then right next to me. I lose him. There was a movie ages ago with Christian Bale who played this character and the wife said to him, "Not today." She knew when he wasn't himself. She knew without knowing there was something wrong. That's me. I know when he doesn't love me.
Anyway, back to the conference. Fred Kaufman was a presenter. Most intelligent man I had ever had the opportunity to see speak. He descried a life where you're the architect, the designer, the pilot.
If you take a woe is me approach to life, you hurt yourself and others.
My mom raised me in her own reflection, but that reflection was negative, mistrusting, guarded and fearful. I write that with so much love and respect for my mom. She had such a tough childhood. She did everything in her power to ensure my sister and I were protected.
But, I want to have my own reflection. I want to be trusting, open, free, light hearted. I want to be able to accept the injustice of life, smile and move on.
I don't want to the be pilot who joins the passengers in the cabin because I've thrown my hands in the air and said, well, the engine is fucked, but its the mechanics problem.
Every moment I feel like I move closer to awareness, self-actualization and a space of happiness.
So many things in my life have changed and I don't pretend to not feel my emotions. I sit and feel. I understand where the hurt is coming from. I forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the relationship. I allow my mind to think about what I could have done and I do all of this without accepting 100% responsibility. I do all of this with the idea that I am the designer of my own life.
I still love hard and hurt hard and I don't see that as changing, instead, I'll manage it better.
I vowed long ago not to lose my awe of flying and I think I can honestly say, five years into that vow, that I haven't lost it. The calm realm of the flight puts me into enough ease that I have space to think and be creative. I sincerely wanted to document my experience from yesterday.
After finishing the Future of Work Conference the music played and the dancing began. I tried my hand at picking up a beautifully tall blonde haired, blue eyed German. And while he said he had a girlfriend, i was quite pleased when he came by to ask if I'd be attending the networking drinks after the event.
He asked mid dance move, so I continued dancing and said absolutely. Needless to say, I went to drinks but he was busy. I didn't want to disturb him so I hung out with a few other gems I met and to my delight, he found me in the crowd and struck up a conversation. My only regret is not spending more time with him, but I'm pleased with the moment we had.
See, the fact is, he wanted to spend that moment with me. However, short or fleeting - he wanted that moment. There are so many times when I feel as though Tim isn't there. Like he'd rather be anyplace other then right next to me. I lose him. There was a movie ages ago with Christian Bale who played this character and the wife said to him, "Not today." She knew when he wasn't himself. She knew without knowing there was something wrong. That's me. I know when he doesn't love me.
Anyway, back to the conference. Fred Kaufman was a presenter. Most intelligent man I had ever had the opportunity to see speak. He descried a life where you're the architect, the designer, the pilot.
If you take a woe is me approach to life, you hurt yourself and others.
My mom raised me in her own reflection, but that reflection was negative, mistrusting, guarded and fearful. I write that with so much love and respect for my mom. She had such a tough childhood. She did everything in her power to ensure my sister and I were protected.
But, I want to have my own reflection. I want to be trusting, open, free, light hearted. I want to be able to accept the injustice of life, smile and move on.
I don't want to the be pilot who joins the passengers in the cabin because I've thrown my hands in the air and said, well, the engine is fucked, but its the mechanics problem.
Every moment I feel like I move closer to awareness, self-actualization and a space of happiness.
So many things in my life have changed and I don't pretend to not feel my emotions. I sit and feel. I understand where the hurt is coming from. I forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the relationship. I allow my mind to think about what I could have done and I do all of this without accepting 100% responsibility. I do all of this with the idea that I am the designer of my own life.
I still love hard and hurt hard and I don't see that as changing, instead, I'll manage it better.
March 2016
How do you get on with your life? Create Goals on how to make your life better.
Work on me.
Lean into the discomfort
Yoga.
Professional blogging. *Do not tell the world about this situation.*
Get some Melbourne Friends.
Work on me.
Lean into the discomfort
Yoga.
Professional blogging. *Do not tell the world about this situation.*
Get some Melbourne Friends.
Sunday, 17 April 2016
One year later
I have always and forever only written when I'm upset. So here I am. Writing.
We have ended it. Its not because he's bisexual and not because I wasn't able to change. I ended it because betrayal can only be excused so many times.
The realization that I'm not going to be capable of a healthy long term relationship is a bit daunting. Fact is, even if I met the most amazing guy, I have fundamental trust issues, abandonment shit, and a whole stream of things that even the most patient person would find crazy.
I don't know how to let go of people. Therefore I feel this need to leave Melbourne. I know run, right?
But I don't feel like I'm running from myself. I'm running from the situation. I'm putting distance between me and a problem. I'm seeking solace in learning a new place and taking my mind off of the pain. In fact, leaving would help me heal faster. Out of sight out of mind. No way can I just pop by for little things. Rip the band aid off. That's what moving would do for me.
I need to move.
We have ended it. Its not because he's bisexual and not because I wasn't able to change. I ended it because betrayal can only be excused so many times.
The realization that I'm not going to be capable of a healthy long term relationship is a bit daunting. Fact is, even if I met the most amazing guy, I have fundamental trust issues, abandonment shit, and a whole stream of things that even the most patient person would find crazy.
I don't know how to let go of people. Therefore I feel this need to leave Melbourne. I know run, right?
But I don't feel like I'm running from myself. I'm running from the situation. I'm putting distance between me and a problem. I'm seeking solace in learning a new place and taking my mind off of the pain. In fact, leaving would help me heal faster. Out of sight out of mind. No way can I just pop by for little things. Rip the band aid off. That's what moving would do for me.
I need to move.
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