Today I surround myself with acceptance.

I'm not sure how I feel about therapy today.  It was insightful and baffling at the same time.

I walked away with the homework of listening to the podcast by Big Ideas "Is Love an Illusion?"

Alain de Botton has a new book out: The Course of Love. 

Today the psychologist asked me what I'm wanting to get out of therapy.  What is my question to be answered.  I told him that I wanted to walk away with insight on how I am in relationships.  I want to understand how I interact with others.  I want to grow and continue to evolve.

As I think about the root of this "goal" I realize that its mainly because I want to be someone's one.  I recognize that life takes work.  That we're all fucked up and we all need to be loved.  

He asked me again, why is it that I'm fighting for this relationship.  Again, I don't have an answer.  I guess, at the end of the day, I'm going to accept whatever he decides to do.


Whatever move he makes, I will accept.  If its to decide that we provide a safe, long term, secure relationship then I'll be happy.  If its to move away and try again with someone else, then I'll be okay with that too.

I don't think I'm going to put a lot of weight into each option.  I'm going to focus on ways to be me.  I'm going to continue to understand who I am, and work on ways to make me healthy, and happy and just be.

If he wants to do this thing called life together, then so be it.  If not, then so be it.

At the end of the day, I think I need to just focus on being happy.  Not being with anyone, not trying to make someone else happy, not scold myself for the decisions I make.

Ps- I've listened to the podcast and I LOVE IT.  #getsmethinking

Take away:

"Love is a classroom."

OMG- I've taken so many notes on this podcast.  I absolutely 100% agree with him. "Love is to be learned.  Two people have to get to teach each other."

"Its a skill.  Love is an attempt to understand another person in its entirety and also in the way they've become damaged and damaging and to extend an extremely generous filter to do this.  Its not easy to do.  We need a generous dose of humor to do this."  "Capability is the achievement of love.  It shouldn't be taken as the starting point of  love."  "There are areas that we can't make perfect."

As I listened to the podcast, I feel like the psychologist recommended this podcast as I said exactly all of this in my session!  #twinning #truestory

After I published this, I wanted to send the link to him.  I wanted to start a conversation a discussion, whether we agreed or disagreed.  The frustrating thing for me is that he would be able to discuss this with someone else, but he wouldn't be able to discuss it with me.  I crave the ability to take something like this and just have an indepth conversation like I would one of my girlfriends.  I crave being able to have an intellectual conversation about something. ANYTHING, but mostly about what I feel around this and what it would spark in him.   But I don't think he'd want that, so I don't send it to him.  I don't get excited and ask him his thoughts.  I just sit with my own thoughts.  Inspired by the podcast with the one person I want to share it with, off doing his own thing.  </3