Bathhouse

The hardest choices in life

I haven't any idea how to write this.  I need to move my emotions from my heart to my fingertips,   I just don't know what to write.  I want to express how much I love him.  I want to say that I still want us to work. But I think what I need to actually say here is that I acknowledge him.

I know he loves me.  I see him for him.  I see when he hides.  I see when he lies to himself and then me.  I know his needs.  

I also love the things he does for me.   I love that he thinks of me at night by turning on the blanket.  I love that he cooks and cleans without much complaining.  Here is why I love him:

Regardless of us or no us, everyone should know why they should be loved. As a friend or a lover- this is who you are and what you have to offer to whomever comes after me: 

1. He showed me that I can be loved.  I am petrified that I'm unlovable.  I'm difficult, moody and emotional.  But he showed me that love is possible.  A hug, a kiss, a swipe down my back and over my butt.  He can curl me into his arms and smile as he kisses me on the head.  I see this is love.  I absolutely relished every movement he made to express his love for me.

2.  I remember a time we were snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef and the awe I saw in his eyes.  I sometimes felt as though I didn't effect him.  I didn't rub off, but I remember the times he stepped out of his comfort zones for me and I don't think he regrets that.

3.  I love you for dancing for me, whether in a night club (that you hated) or the dancing lessons (you enjoyed!).  

4. I remember every time you placed your arms around me when we were in public.  Showing me affection is something I needed.  Desperately.  It's embarrassing to admit.  And worse, its absolutely difficult to write and see it in black and white.  But this is something I need.  Thrived on, makes me feel beautiful.  Loved.

5.  The mornings you'd roll over and take me in your arms.  I love you for thinking of me and keeping me in your arms.

6. You never pulled away from me when I'd brush up against you under the blanket. Cold feet, cold hands, cold body - you just absorbed it.

7. It's coffee time!   You took to that song and ran with it as it were your own.  You wake up every morning in a really good mood.  You'd let me be grumpy and agitated, sleeping in until my eyes didn't burn when they opened.  

8.  You let me blog about you. It never bothered you when I posted on social platforms intimate moments that I had to share.  

9. When you are sincerely happy you smile with your eyes. You are nevermore beautiful then when this happens. 

10. You were the perfect lover. Giving. And stayed how much you enjoyed receiving. That means a lot to a girl.   I remember the first time you told me you enjoyed my blow job to you.  A fact now that I find ironic and the memory kind of hurts. 

11. You put up with a lot of shit without exploding. That point alone makes you amazing. 

12.  I love that you want a family.  I wanted to give that to you.  I love to see you with little T and the smile you have when playing with him.

13. I love that you have a location to get married.  I even like the fact that you want to be proposed to.  You deserve it. You deserve to be loved in the most unconditional way.

 14. When you are happy- you are giddy. It's adorable to watch. 

15. I love that you see a woman as equal in a relationship.  I love that you push the bias' on gender.  That you don't allow one to expect something from a female that wouldn't be expected from a male.  That roles aren't defined by sex.

16.  I love that you said you love me immensely.  

17. You have a need to be loved. Regardless of you fighting it- you love knowing someone loves you.  The next one needs to make sure to show you. I hope they don't ever take these things for granted. 

18. Amazing cock- perfect length and girth and you know how to use it to please. T

19. You iron your clothes. Enough said. 

20. You're patience is amazing. How many times have we had to turn around to get something I'd forgotten. 

21. I'd change 900 times and you were never annoyed-that didn't go unnoticed. 

22.  I loved the way you listen to me ramble.  When laying in bed and I wouldn't stop talking.  I love that you wanted to hear what I said.

23. You think ahead. It's a strength to my weakness.  

24.  You offer stability, you're grounded, predictable.   I know you thought this drove me crazy.  I didn't.  I need that.  It draws me to you.  

 
25.  I drove you crazy bringing dirt and sand into your car.  But you let me.  You let me be a mess.  

26.  You don't stay absorbed in video games.  I can't tell you how much I love that about you.
27. The video  <3

I don't want to write another sad piece.  I don't want to express how hurt I am.  I don't want to do anything right now, but to acknowledge why I love him.

Orgy orgy orgy

Are you aware there is a website that draws in anyone who wants to sleep with multiple people who are all fucking in the same room? 

This place caters to bisexuals and transgenders. If you're straight, you're welcome to join. (Thank you). 

Today I RSVP'd our spots. I'm left baffled though because he became upset. 

It seems our entire relationship is based on his terms.  Two days I've asked for sex only to be turned down. We're never on the same page. Maybe we're not even in the same fucking book? 

I need to GMFST. I'm disgusting at how desperate I am to keep this relationship alive. 

Does this make me codependent or a fighter? I can't tell. The pain is wrapped up in the pleasure. It all seems the same. 

Midsummer Festival

It's a time of the year the gays come out loud and proud. I've stood beside friends and sign petitions to allow them to be married. 

I believe that love shouldn't be confound by laws or regulation. I whole heartedly believe that you should be able to be yourself. 

This year, attending the festival in the midst of a fragile relationship I felt so out of place. I can't help it. The one I love is seeking to sleep with one of the men in this group. He doesn't care who or how he just wants it. 

He wants it more than he cares about how I feel and he wants it regardless if it means we can't be together. See, all I asked for was monogamy. He said yes. 

Seems that he's allowed to change his mind regardless of a promise to me. 

At this point, it seems I stay out of purely selfish reasons. Because the idea being away from him hurts. It's an emotion so strong I can't breathe. 

I should let him go. I know that. I stifle him and I'm too square to fit into his world. So everyday, he picks a fight and blames me. And everyday I take it. It's my fault he isn't happy. It's fucked up really. I can't understand his thought process. He refuses to share with me. Another thing I should just accept. 

This world isn't for me. No matter how much I love him. Mainly, because he doesn't want me there. I'm not invited into his world. I need to accept that.  

I just don't know how. 

Straight Porn is my reality

A conversation today where I asked if he watched porn where the girls shake their butts. But I knew the answer so I immediately followed it up with "wait, you don't even watch straight porn do you?"

He just did is little shrug and said in the weakest guiltiest voice, "yeah."

But he doesn't. And not that that matters to me. I don't always want to admit the type of porn I'm watching. 

But as I think about it, it starts to bother me. This is the man I want babies with. And then I think about why this should bother me. In the public he's good to people.  And people like him. It's not like they can see behind closed doors. 

But then I realized, I'm behind closed doors. This is my life. What is on this side of the door is my reality. I have to deal with the fact he wants to sleep with men. I have to deal with the fact that the porn he wants to watch are two preteen scrawny men. My reality is he wants penises. That's behind closed doors. Not for public viewing. 

This is my reality. 

To come undone

How do you know when to push ahead to become a person you never thought of and when to say, I'm okay with me. 

When you're in a relationship such as mine, you must as yourself this question quite often. 

You have to re-evaluate your little girl notions of love. 

For holy matrimony doesn't mean you will be with this one person, but that you will share this one with many. And by doing this, you keep him happy. But what about yourself?  What about everything you were taught and the things your parents instilled in you.  

I'm all for coming undone, but sometimes you have to accept who you are and say enough is enough.  

Whether you say, "I'm choosing not to be monogamous" or you say, "this is a deal breaker".  Accept that you may not see eye to eye. 

Be you. Be happy. Be proud. 

It's only possible with communication

It's hard to date a boy who isn't always attracted to you. Its a fine line you walk when you're trying to accept him as he is but to allow yourself to feel all you feel. 

The hardest thing I deal with is the loss of intimacy I feel when he's daydreaming about men. 

How do you get a man to talk to you when men aren't probed to talk. And worse, he's so secretive to begin with, it's hard to break into his shell. 

Sometimes we find a way to tell each other what we want. http://www.mojoupgrade.com/

Other times, we sit in silence tourtured by feelings and thought and yearnings and passions. Both of us alone. 

New Years; new experience

My first swingers party. 

Woman on their knees, their heads between a fat old guy with a tiny dick. These men push the heads of these woman down on to their cocks while looking around, checking out all of the other woman there. 

I didn't see any respect between lovers. Woman wanting to please and men wanting to get off. 

It disgusted me. My man was different. Happy to please me in the dungeon like night club. I'm too inhabited. Too nervous to let strangers see me when I'm vaulnerable. 

I did get excited about sex amongst the others. In a corner, a very dark corner, we joined other lovers. He and I fucked while I stayed in my own setting. My mind closed out where we were. Only after the event was I able to really enjoy what we did. 

Maybe I'm destined to live a life that I enjoy only after the fact. 

I have too many fears while living in the moment. These fears don't allow me to live and let go. I'm a work in progress.  

We're not done though. Still needing to explore. Off to a gay bath house that lets woman in during certain nights of the week. And then, the orgy. 

Holy fuck.