June 2016

I keep saying I regret the relationship, but I know I don't.  What I regret is the hurt and the pain.  I regret that I wasn't enough.  I regret that I was too much.

I regret the hurt.  The pain.

I regret its been a shitty three years.

I regret that I wasn't enough.  That I couldn't help him from his shell that I cray about this.  That I just can't let go.

I regret that he couldn't care about me.  That he can't show me that he loves me.  I regret that I let him treat me the way he has.  Like its okay to act how he is or that his gross disregard from my feelings is acceptable.

Have I made his future worse?  Will he treat his next girlfriend the same way or maybe he'll actually love her enough to invite her in.

I hate feeling so hurt.

I hate crying.  I hate having a broken heart.  I hate being the one who left.

All of my fears of abandonment are solidified in his actions or lack thereof.

He'd rather be any place other then near me and I get it.

We're broken and I can't ignore what I feel and just pretend we're okay.  So every day the divide is greater and greater.  I don't move out because I hope it changes. I  pray that one day he sees what our actions are doing to us- but he doesn't care enough.

I long for the day that I don't hurt so much.  For the day he's happy and we have both moved on.

I hope everyday that we get through this.  That something happens and we both wake up out of this nightmare and realize that life is too short to play these stupid games.

To let each other hurt the way we do.

So why don't I go to him?  Because I always come back.

"Why do you let me stay here?"

"because you won't go away."

He tells me he wants me here but I don't believe him.  He doesn't show me.  I look for the little things but honestly, making dinner and hanging out laundry is hardly enough.  Relationships need more than that.

They're about the tough parts in life.  I keep thinking he's so worried about when he gets sick.  But what would happen if it were me who got sick?  What would happen to me?

I just imagine myself stuck in a hospital bed with no close friends and no family around.  TIm would visit once a week for an hour with tea, but h'ed go about his life as though nothing had changed.  He'd go to work and would do his game nights and gym and just completely ignore the fact I were sick.

What kind of life is that for me?

I keep telling myself I deserve love and blah blah blah.

Then I tell myself so does tim and I give that to him.

So what's missing?  Why doesn't it work?

Why can't this be reasoned?  Why can't I figure this problem out?

I'm so lonely when I'm next to him.  I want to save him from his hurt and loneliness.

I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.