Orgy orgy orgy

Are you aware there is a website that draws in anyone who wants to sleep with multiple people who are all fucking in the same room? 

This place caters to bisexuals and transgenders. If you're straight, you're welcome to join. (Thank you). 

Today I RSVP'd our spots. I'm left baffled though because he became upset. 

It seems our entire relationship is based on his terms.  Two days I've asked for sex only to be turned down. We're never on the same page. Maybe we're not even in the same fucking book? 

I need to GMFST. I'm disgusting at how desperate I am to keep this relationship alive. 

Does this make me codependent or a fighter? I can't tell. The pain is wrapped up in the pleasure. It all seems the same. 

Midsummer Festival

It's a time of the year the gays come out loud and proud. I've stood beside friends and sign petitions to allow them to be married. 

I believe that love shouldn't be confound by laws or regulation. I whole heartedly believe that you should be able to be yourself. 

This year, attending the festival in the midst of a fragile relationship I felt so out of place. I can't help it. The one I love is seeking to sleep with one of the men in this group. He doesn't care who or how he just wants it. 

He wants it more than he cares about how I feel and he wants it regardless if it means we can't be together. See, all I asked for was monogamy. He said yes. 

Seems that he's allowed to change his mind regardless of a promise to me. 

At this point, it seems I stay out of purely selfish reasons. Because the idea being away from him hurts. It's an emotion so strong I can't breathe. 

I should let him go. I know that. I stifle him and I'm too square to fit into his world. So everyday, he picks a fight and blames me. And everyday I take it. It's my fault he isn't happy. It's fucked up really. I can't understand his thought process. He refuses to share with me. Another thing I should just accept. 

This world isn't for me. No matter how much I love him. Mainly, because he doesn't want me there. I'm not invited into his world. I need to accept that.  

I just don't know how. 

Straight Porn is my reality

A conversation today where I asked if he watched porn where the girls shake their butts. But I knew the answer so I immediately followed it up with "wait, you don't even watch straight porn do you?"

He just did is little shrug and said in the weakest guiltiest voice, "yeah."

But he doesn't. And not that that matters to me. I don't always want to admit the type of porn I'm watching. 

But as I think about it, it starts to bother me. This is the man I want babies with. And then I think about why this should bother me. In the public he's good to people.  And people like him. It's not like they can see behind closed doors. 

But then I realized, I'm behind closed doors. This is my life. What is on this side of the door is my reality. I have to deal with the fact he wants to sleep with men. I have to deal with the fact that the porn he wants to watch are two preteen scrawny men. My reality is he wants penises. That's behind closed doors. Not for public viewing. 

This is my reality. 

To come undone

How do you know when to push ahead to become a person you never thought of and when to say, I'm okay with me. 

When you're in a relationship such as mine, you must as yourself this question quite often. 

You have to re-evaluate your little girl notions of love. 

For holy matrimony doesn't mean you will be with this one person, but that you will share this one with many. And by doing this, you keep him happy. But what about yourself?  What about everything you were taught and the things your parents instilled in you.  

I'm all for coming undone, but sometimes you have to accept who you are and say enough is enough.  

Whether you say, "I'm choosing not to be monogamous" or you say, "this is a deal breaker".  Accept that you may not see eye to eye. 

Be you. Be happy. Be proud. 

It's only possible with communication

It's hard to date a boy who isn't always attracted to you. Its a fine line you walk when you're trying to accept him as he is but to allow yourself to feel all you feel. 

The hardest thing I deal with is the loss of intimacy I feel when he's daydreaming about men. 

How do you get a man to talk to you when men aren't probed to talk. And worse, he's so secretive to begin with, it's hard to break into his shell. 

Sometimes we find a way to tell each other what we want. http://www.mojoupgrade.com/

Other times, we sit in silence tourtured by feelings and thought and yearnings and passions. Both of us alone. 

New Years; new experience

My first swingers party. 

Woman on their knees, their heads between a fat old guy with a tiny dick. These men push the heads of these woman down on to their cocks while looking around, checking out all of the other woman there. 

I didn't see any respect between lovers. Woman wanting to please and men wanting to get off. 

It disgusted me. My man was different. Happy to please me in the dungeon like night club. I'm too inhabited. Too nervous to let strangers see me when I'm vaulnerable. 

I did get excited about sex amongst the others. In a corner, a very dark corner, we joined other lovers. He and I fucked while I stayed in my own setting. My mind closed out where we were. Only after the event was I able to really enjoy what we did. 

Maybe I'm destined to live a life that I enjoy only after the fact. 

I have too many fears while living in the moment. These fears don't allow me to live and let go. I'm a work in progress.  

We're not done though. Still needing to explore. Off to a gay bath house that lets woman in during certain nights of the week. And then, the orgy. 

Holy fuck.