22nd April 2016

It has been a long time since I've put pen to paper.  I have long loved the smooth feeling of a pen gliding across the lines of paper.

I vowed long ago not to lose my awe of flying and I think I can honestly say, five years into that vow, that I haven't lost it.  The calm realm of the flight puts me into enough ease that I have space to think and be creative.  I sincerely wanted to document my experience from yesterday.

After finishing the Future of Work Conference the music played and the dancing began.  I tried my hand at picking up a beautifully tall blonde haired, blue eyed German.  And while he said he had a girlfriend, i was quite pleased when he came by to ask if I'd be attending the networking drinks after the event.

He asked mid dance move, so I continued dancing and said absolutely.  Needless to say, I went to drinks but he was busy.  I didn't want to disturb him so I hung out with a few other gems I met and to my delight, he found me in the crowd and struck up a conversation.  My only regret is not spending more time with him, but I'm pleased with the moment we had.

See, the fact is, he wanted to spend that moment with me.  However, short or fleeting - he wanted that moment.  There are so many times when I feel as though Tim isn't there.  Like he'd rather be anyplace other then right next to me.  I lose him.  There was a movie ages ago with Christian Bale who played this character and the wife said to him, "Not today."  She knew when he wasn't himself.  She knew without knowing there was something wrong.  That's me.  I know when he doesn't love me.

Anyway, back to the conference.  Fred Kaufman was a presenter.  Most intelligent man I had ever had the opportunity to see speak.  He descried a life where you're the architect, the designer, the pilot.

If you take a woe is me approach to life, you hurt yourself and others.

My mom raised me in her own reflection, but that reflection was negative, mistrusting, guarded and fearful.  I write that with so much love and respect for my mom.  She had such a tough childhood.  She did everything in her power to ensure my sister and I were protected.

But, I want to have my own reflection.  I want to be trusting, open, free, light hearted.  I want to be able to accept the injustice of life, smile and move on.

I don't want to the be pilot who joins the passengers in the cabin because I've thrown my hands in the air and said, well, the engine is fucked, but its the mechanics problem.

Every moment I feel like I move closer to awareness, self-actualization and a space of happiness.

So many things in my life have changed and I don't pretend to not feel my emotions.  I sit and feel.  I understand where the hurt is coming from.  I forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the relationship.  I allow my mind to think about what I could have done and I do all of this without accepting 100% responsibility.  I do all of this with the idea that I am the designer of my own life.

I still love hard and hurt hard and I don't see that as changing, instead, I'll manage it better.