Not so hot

I want to call him this morning. I know I shouldn't. I've pulled his number up and almost hit send. 

I'm sure he's out on his bike or doing something. I know I shouldn't call him. 

I have realised this morning that in my memories he is going to start showing up. Any day now was the first time we met. Four years. 

I cry. For what was and was won't be.