Sunday Journal: Number 60

 In this California king bed

We're ten thousand miles apart

And I wonder how we got here

But if I stopped lying to myself

I already know the answer.

The reality is we've never been near.

You hide yourself behind a stone wall.

Telling yourself life is easier when it's just you.

But when you peek around and ask me to come near

you don't realise the hope you stir 

But the shame you carry is deep 

and until you can either accept who you are

or let me go on that journey with you

You'll never really truly mean it

when you say, Please let's try again.

When you think you’re right, everyone who doesn’t see things the same way must be wrong.

I think the most powerful thing I have learned from my divorce is that nothing in life is a sure bet.  There ins't anything you can assume about life, love or another person.  I remember when my husband asked if we could go to therapy but I knew it was too late. I didn't lead him on.  I didn't pretend there was something we could do.  I also didn't assume I was the victim because I'd asked for therapy for the two years before I finally walked out.  Today I got so angry at something posted on LinkedIn from a psychologist I work with, but I have to keep reminding myself that some people don't have insight.  And I'm one of the lucky ones.  I'm lucky enough to know that people aren't perfect.  And some people are very close minded.  I also recognize how my emotions are so very strong. They always have been.  There isn't anything I can do with that.  I can just enjoy the good moments, realize that they won't last forever.  Recognize that its not that they can't last forever, its just that they won't.  Lean into the discomfort of being mid 30's and single.  And know that all in due time, something breathtaking and amazing is going to happen.  Whether its me by myself or me with someone else.  That's all I can do.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/in-marriage-he-refused-to-change-and-that-cost-him-everything-starting-with-trust-fray-jrmk/

Good times. ❤️

I always document bad times and the negative feelings. But I want to document  a good conversation. An easy conversation. ❤️❤️ reminds me of when we started dating. No strings. Just easy laughter. Good times. He said he'll listen to the podcast and we can talk about it. ❤️ 

I bet he brings up my teacher voice. I know it's an issue. Nathan hated it too. I think I'll have to bring it up in therapy. 

Today I surround myself with acceptance.

I'm not sure how I feel about therapy today.  It was insightful and baffling at the same time.

I walked away with the homework of listening to the podcast by Big Ideas "Is Love an Illusion?"

Alain de Botton has a new book out: The Course of Love. 

Today the psychologist asked me what I'm wanting to get out of therapy.  What is my question to be answered.  I told him that I wanted to walk away with insight on how I am in relationships.  I want to understand how I interact with others.  I want to grow and continue to evolve.

As I think about the root of this "goal" I realize that its mainly because I want to be someone's one.  I recognize that life takes work.  That we're all fucked up and we all need to be loved.  

He asked me again, why is it that I'm fighting for this relationship.  Again, I don't have an answer.  I guess, at the end of the day, I'm going to accept whatever he decides to do.


Whatever move he makes, I will accept.  If its to decide that we provide a safe, long term, secure relationship then I'll be happy.  If its to move away and try again with someone else, then I'll be okay with that too.

I don't think I'm going to put a lot of weight into each option.  I'm going to focus on ways to be me.  I'm going to continue to understand who I am, and work on ways to make me healthy, and happy and just be.

If he wants to do this thing called life together, then so be it.  If not, then so be it.

At the end of the day, I think I need to just focus on being happy.  Not being with anyone, not trying to make someone else happy, not scold myself for the decisions I make.

Ps- I've listened to the podcast and I LOVE IT.  #getsmethinking

Take away:

"Love is a classroom."

OMG- I've taken so many notes on this podcast.  I absolutely 100% agree with him. "Love is to be learned.  Two people have to get to teach each other."

"Its a skill.  Love is an attempt to understand another person in its entirety and also in the way they've become damaged and damaging and to extend an extremely generous filter to do this.  Its not easy to do.  We need a generous dose of humor to do this."  "Capability is the achievement of love.  It shouldn't be taken as the starting point of  love."  "There are areas that we can't make perfect."

As I listened to the podcast, I feel like the psychologist recommended this podcast as I said exactly all of this in my session!  #twinning #truestory

After I published this, I wanted to send the link to him.  I wanted to start a conversation a discussion, whether we agreed or disagreed.  The frustrating thing for me is that he would be able to discuss this with someone else, but he wouldn't be able to discuss it with me.  I crave the ability to take something like this and just have an indepth conversation like I would one of my girlfriends.  I crave being able to have an intellectual conversation about something. ANYTHING, but mostly about what I feel around this and what it would spark in him.   But I don't think he'd want that, so I don't send it to him.  I don't get excited and ask him his thoughts.  I just sit with my own thoughts.  Inspired by the podcast with the one person I want to share it with, off doing his own thing.  </3

One of my best memories

Is before we had started dating I had spent the day hiking.  I was to have gone to hang out with him that night, but I was too tired.  I sent him a message to tell him I wasn't coming.  He asked again, please come out.  But I just couldn't I was too tired.

He called me a little while after and he said, I'm coming over.  I'm taking a cab and I'll be there shortly.

I was overwhelmingly pleased.  I never told him that.  But I loved that moment when he unselfishly chose me.

This is why I find it hard to let go.

This is why 💔

I couldn't cook for him. 😞 fail.