New Years; new experience

My first swingers party. 

Woman on their knees, their heads between a fat old guy with a tiny dick. These men push the heads of these woman down on to their cocks while looking around, checking out all of the other woman there. 

I didn't see any respect between lovers. Woman wanting to please and men wanting to get off. 

It disgusted me. My man was different. Happy to please me in the dungeon like night club. I'm too inhabited. Too nervous to let strangers see me when I'm vaulnerable. 

I did get excited about sex amongst the others. In a corner, a very dark corner, we joined other lovers. He and I fucked while I stayed in my own setting. My mind closed out where we were. Only after the event was I able to really enjoy what we did. 

Maybe I'm destined to live a life that I enjoy only after the fact. 

I have too many fears while living in the moment. These fears don't allow me to live and let go. I'm a work in progress.  

We're not done though. Still needing to explore. Off to a gay bath house that lets woman in during certain nights of the week. And then, the orgy. 

Holy fuck.